The Visit

So I went ... I decided to go and visit my mother. The woman who gave birth to me... The one who abused me as a child. 

My reasons for visiting were simple. Her son, my brother - the child she loved best or at least better than me, seems to have been charged by her, with her welfare. Guess what? He's not doing his job. Woman is living in dire conditions and he's of course, no where to be found. 

I drove to her house on a Sunday afternoon. My god sister was there visiting with my mother. She let me in. Nerves? Anxiety? Ill feelings .. Yep I was feeling them all that day. Haven't stepped foot in that house in over 12 years. Haven't seen or spoken to her to the same amount of time. 

She looked old. Tired. Worn by time. However... She .. That nastiness... That raw manipulation... That was always present with her during my childhood, quickly showed that it still survives. She started with the " I don't know who you are?" Routine. The reason I say routine is the woman I have known to be my mother manipulates... I've seen her do it with my own eyes. How could she not know me? I'm her child. Lived with her the first 20 years of my life. The fact that we haven't spoken or seen each other in years shouldn't have any barring on recognizing me. She let my daughter in weeks before and she hasn't seen her in the same amount of years and she was a child the last time... So basically I'm not buying the " I don't recognize you"... Statement.

The conversations were strained and she played her games in the conversation for the sake of my god sister whom is present. 

The visit is brief.... I wanted her to know I was there to help her if she needed it... I didn't want anything .. Money? House? Car? Nothing! I was there because my father worked too hard for her to be living in the conditions she is currently in. I am my fathers daughter and he would not be pleased to know that all he worked for is going down with my mother. I was there to offer an olive branch ...

I meant every word! I would help her.... Nothing in return....

She made her position clear... Told me to leave her house... I was not wanted there.... 

My God the pain! 

I always knew she didn't want me as a child. Somewhere I guess I had hoped she would want me as an adult... I was/am wrong! 

This was a few months ago... Since then there has been Mothers Day and time to work on healing. 

I'll never go there again! She will mostly likely die in her residence. I left my phone number just in case she ever wanted to reach out...

You see ... I am "truth" if I am in her life then she has to deal with what she did to me as a child. She doesn't want to deal with that.

If I am around then I may expose her for who she is. Because again, i know who she is/was... When no one else was around! 

I wish her the best! I hope she has people in her life who will love her... everyone deserves that. 

She doesn't want me.... Those words hurt my soul even more as an adult with children myself. 

 I am broken... Like glass... Shattered into many pieces....

I'm putting myself back together one piece at a time... One fragile piece at a time ... 

Oh .... I will be ok ... Time is on my side 

It's time to admit it... I've made mistakes as a parent....

It's time to admit it...

I've made mistakes as a parent

Not the same ones my parents made but mistakes never the less

I came from a two parent home where my survival was my responsibility. My dad worked and my mom was In charge and I was the mistake she needed to correct. I was beaten and battered both emotionally and physically and I swore I would never treat my kids like that.

Scroll forward ... My kids are now all almost grown.... 

I didn't treat my kids like my mother treated me. I tried to correct my childhood by giving my children what I wanted as a child. 

So what's wrong with that? 

My children aren't me. They didn't grow up in a family of abuse. Where fear was your first feeling. They didn't grow up with a parent who argued in front of them... They didn't long to be safe first loved second..... I did.

My greatest mistake was not seeing my children for who they were and the situation of which they were living.

Giving them what I didn't have ... Has it's positives and negatives...

But I have learned they are not me ... Their world didn't include the pain and fears mine did as a child but their world did include disappointments due to me not seeing their experience for what it was... Their experience.

I wanted to correct the past... Instead I wish I had forgiven my past for being anything more than what it was so that I could have been free to see what was in front of me.

So I made mistakes as a parent and I ask my children to forgive me ....I am sorry. To say I did my best @ the time would be accurate but to say that I wish I had done much better is the truth. Love is where my actions started from, though sometimes they got mixed with my baggage and the fear of just not knowing what to do.

I am not perfect... Wish that I was... You deserve that! 

In closing, again I am sorry. My wish for you is to take what your childhood was like with me... Make your children's life be about them not about the correcting of your own... Get to really know the children you have ... Do what they need ... Not what you think they need based off of your own baggage.

In the end I believe love will prevail and one day all my children will understand that I'm their mom but really just a person... A woman trying to figure it all out... 

Love you my children always

Advice to listeners

If a survivor of child abuse wants to or needs to tell you their story... 

LISTEN! 

That's it... Just listen. The person needs to be heard. Not healed. 

I have read many survivor stories and blogs and unfortunately there is a repeated pattern of people either not knowing what to say or responding with  blame or guilt aimed at the survivor. 

I have gotten the "people change" or "you should forgive" or my favorite... "God loves you... Turn your life over to him" responses.

Yes people change and can change but have you ever seen a leopard change it spots? It's spots are ingrained in its fur... Permanent. Just like the personality traits of many abusers.  Forgive? I have forgiven. Forget? I can't. My nightmares are full of the fears and experiences I had as a child. When I'm awake... I am constantly working on changing the messages my abuser gave me as a child either thru action or deed. I am growing in a positive manner as an adult. Mainly because I have forgiven the past for not being what I needed it to be and forgiven the past for never becoming what I hoped it would become. As for God, faith, belief, whatever you wish to call it. I have God. I have faith and I have a belief. For anyone to assume that a survivor doesn't, is judging them. Trust me, judging a survivor is the least sympathetic thing anyone can do.  Faith, belief and God is the only reason Im still here. For some survivors this is true as well. Again don't assume. 

So what does one say when being honored with the trust of a survivor who is sharing their experience...

First, listen. Just listen. There is pain, agony, shame, fear, hurt, and a host more emotions behind the words. Behind the experience. Listening with your heart is necessary.

No judgment! Meaning- dont clarify the experience for the person. ( Are you sure you didn't misunderstand  what happened?).  Uh you weren't there. The experience is not yours to judge or interpret.

 Don't excuse the abuser ( she was probably having a bad day... she didn't mean it). Again,  you weren't there in that moment in that experience.  Don't tell someone how to experience their experience! It's their's ... NOT yours!

Don't tell the person how to react now. ( That was a long time ago... Just put it behind you... Live for today.) Trust me you have no idea how the person feels. If they  could they would put it behind them. You have no idea how much they wish it never happened in the first place. 

There are so many more positive responses that you can say or do....

A hug- although some may not want to be touched. Positive touch can be very reassuring for those that are open to receiving this.

Verbal Reassurance - that you care about the person and appreciate them opening up to you. Confirming that you are there for them. How do you do this? Tell them using words of meaning and purpose. Be direct. Letting the person know that they are still loved and appreciated and accepted by you. There needs to be clear communication. The stress of sharing their experience with you can cause a survivor to get lost in the emotion of the past. This is why clarity in communication from you to them in this moment is necessary.

There are many other ways too....

These are just a few of the responses that can allow a survivor to be able to open up and trust you with their pain....

I know I appreciate being validated by being heard and not judged. Actually doesn't everyone. It's that the basic essence of acceptance and love?

If you are a survivor? Can you relate? What responses have you had when you told someone your experience? What responses have you had? 

I thank you for reading this... It's part of my experience!