#Prayer4today

New challenge.... whats your #prayer4today? Doesnt need to be formal. Doesnt need to be long. Doesnt need to be loud. Doesnt need to make sense to anyone else...

It can be one word, two words, three or more
It can be said on bended knee or while standing straight on the floor
It can be said loud as you can or spoken softly from your soul
It is your special prayer and it just needs to come from your core....

"The Devil Wears Prada".... Yep they always do

I am spending my Sunday catching up on my blogging: reading and posting J. I have everything I need at my fingertips, coffee, comfy chair, cell phone and laptop and a movie running in the background for company … “The Devil Wears Prada”.. this movie quickly moved to the forefront.

It’s an outstanding movie featuring one of my favorite actresses Meryl Streep

Summary of movie: “In New York, the simple and naive just-graduated in journalism Andrea Sachs is hired to work as the second assistant of the powerful and sophisticated Miranda Priestly, the ruthless and merciless executive of the Runway fashion magazine. Andrea dreams to become a journalist and faces the opportunity as a temporary professional challenge. The first assistant Emily advises Andrea about the behavior and preferences of their cruel boss, and the stylist Nigel helps Andrea to dress more adequately for the environment. Andrea changes her attitude and behavior, affecting her private life and the relationship with her boyfriend Nate, her family and friends all to match the needs of Miranda. In the end, Andrea learns that life is made of choices.” As outlined on IMBD.com

For me “Prada”- in just a label for temptation- it looks good, it’s expensive, it draws attention, it is lavish, it glitters, its gold. It’s something you think you want.

Who’s wearing it? The Devil…someone dangling what you think you desire in front of you.

Now, what must you do to get to have what the Devil is offering or has?

Yep that’s the question. Are you ready for the answer?

It could mean giving up your soul….

That’s what happened. As a child it was required of me to go against who I was to get what I needed. I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and said “You will alter your attitude and behavior just to get x, y or z” No it was much more subtle. It was found in statements, actions, requests, manipulations and punishments. My being, desired so many different things, that I did what I felt I had to get what I thought I needed. This behavior continued into adult hood…

It is evident in so many parts of my life. From the decision to marry, to the way I’ve handled my professional life. Fast forward: I am an adult: Single mom. Must do and perform all the functions of mothering, raising a family, and functioning in society.

In the movie there are several examples of the main character Andrea being requested to do things that goes against what she feels is right. The bar was low at first and each time she completes another task for her boss the bar is raised. She completes the next task and the bar is raised again. All the while Andrea is changing to become someone that she is not. All to become and have things that she feels are necessary or that she thinks she desires. She loses her boyfriend and her friends along this process.

I’ve been there done that. Traded some very important things for what I believed was a need to stay employed: Long hours, going against the grain of my being, trading my values for the needs of the business. All the while changing and moving farther away from my soul.

I have made a conscious decision and effort to no longer get lulled to sleep by temptation of things that aren’t true for me. I am currently evaluating what I want and what speaks to my soul and how can I obtain that and what price, if any, I’m willing to pay. I’ve lost some very important things over the past year.

Lesson learned: Don’t change for anyone. We all have to do things on a daily basis that we don’t like. But when the changes are feeling like sacrifices. Relook at what you are doing. See if there is a better way or different way to accomplish while not losing your soul to the Devil. Temptation is the devils most viable tool. It can be emotional trade off, physical, or monetary that is the payment.

As a child my mother was representative of “The Devil”. As a child, one doesn’t know what they desire, everything is what you want and you will do everything to get it… but remember... you are a student of life at that point.  As an adult “success as seen by someone else” was representative of my temptation.  The difference in me now vs. me as a child, is I can choose. Change direction, if that’s necessary. Stop moving in the wrong direction. I am doing that these days. I put an end to being directed by the wrong things and have started getting back to basics. Much like the character in the movie, I suddenly woke up and did inventory of my life. I realized that I had changed to equate someone else’s expectations for my life and not my own. No more. “I am in control of my life. The Devil or anyone else can be wearing whatever they want. If it doesn’t fit me and MY picture of my life… then guess what? It doesn’t come into my life.”

Sounds wonderfully in control, right? Truth is, it’s a work in progress. Changing direction in one’s life can be traumatic. I am experiencing the trauma of this now. You have to learn to trust your inner voice, your feelings, your thoughts… You have to learn what a true feeling is for yourself and confirm that it is yours and not someone else’s. You have to learn what your truth feels like…and not allow outside influences to change your truth.

I’m learning what my truth feels like… I am a work in progress.

Thanks to the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”… I saw that my experience in not uncommon.

Can you relate to this?

My Favorite Color

A child taken apart loses things
Like the ability to reach out
Or the ability to be

Confidence in who you are, is what is needed to
Be able to accomplish, and do all you do

I had a favorite color...one day and one time
But for some reason, I can’t find it in my mind

I think it was yellow bright like the sun
It was a color in the rainbow, I just can’t remember which one

It could have been red or blue or orange or green
But whatever it was ....it was a part of me

I lost that child, in a swamp of bad stuff...
I am regaining her spirit today, but it’s been rough

I can’t remember which color was a favorite of mine
It was special, and seeing it made me feel divine

That color, was my favorite back then
Since I am starting my life and beginning again...

I’ve decided to choose a new color...its true!
It can’t be red or green or blue

You see....it must be a mixture of colors I’ve seen
Because it needs to reflect the mixture of me

I have chosen this color as a new beginning in time
It is my color of choice...it reflects my life

It is Peach…Yes!... that's my favorite color today
It is my life, and a representative in a way

Of a beginning for a me, a truth that I feel
Peach is my favorite color, and that’s a big deal!

Something written by my daughter....

I am a single mother  (divorced)... a divorce is a difficult thing to go thru for all involved. Especially the children...My children are now young adults...

My daughter wrote this the other day in response to a conversation her and I had regarding the divorce ...


"You carry alot of weight from the past,
like how all the stuff had happen back then with my dad,
and how I grew up hating him
but I still loved what I had a loving mother by my side
I felt like that was all I need to build my pride,
but until you look into my eyes you will never see the lie,
that I will probably spend my whole life looking for a father figure to be by my side..."

Written by A for B


A divorce can leave life long effects...

"I wont let you sacrifice yourself"

"I won’t let you sacrifice yourself"

That’s what was said…

"What do you mean?" I ask

It is explained….

As a child you were taught to give ALL of you away …. You HAD to give … PUNISHED if you didn’t extract EVERYTHING and hand it over…

when that was gone….

You were EXPECTED to …

extract more....

Stop!

“You don’t have to do that anymore “

Breathe in deeply… take it in…

Stop!

“I won’t let you sacrifice yourself”

Breathe in deeply…. Feel it…

I am seen

Someone sees me

My soul was acknowledged in that moment…

It hurt….

I cried….

I sobbed….

Like taking my first breath of air as an infant

In that moment…. I was born…….Again

Thank You BH

I say

" Dont let anyone sacrifice you ... You are valued"

Stop... Breathe it in... Feel it

I feel because I do.... I am because I am

Please note there may be triggers in this post... Please make sure you are safe before continuing.  Your safety is the most important thing. 


"Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" 
or 
"every time you move or put your hand in the way.... You get 5 more"


"Stop crying or I'll give u something to cry about"- unfortunately this is a popular phrase used by many parents. Emotional pain, Physical hurt, disappointment, and fear just to name a few feelings that can produce crying. These are just some of the feelings one feels when they are being taken apart by someone they trust. She was my mother... She gave birth to me.

 I was already crying as the statement shows. I was already experiencing something that was producing sorrow enough to produce tears but I was being told to stop feeling. I was told that my pain, hurt, sorrow, fear must be put away. Moved to somewhere else and if I didn't get rid of it and quick... I was going to be hurt more as outlined by her comment "every time you move or put your hand in the way.... You get 5 more".....Do you know how difficult it is to not feel pain? She would hit with all her might. Drawing blood. Leaving marks on the walls, furniture and floors when she missed her mark. Her mark being me........I eventually  found the strength to not cry, make a sound or move from the pain....... it took years.   I would disassociate - leave the scene. Disappear, die.   It ultimately became my victory that I wouldn't cry in front of her. Since when does holding in your emotions become a victory? 

As I grew up I learned to push my pain down inside, stuff it away, don't feel it. I then didn't know when it was appropriate to feel pain and express it. I experienced  a second degree burn from scalding water that I accidentally spilled on my arm as a teenager. It happened as I was removing a cup of boiling water from the microwave. I was in a room filled with adults, my uncle, mother, father and other guests. I never made a sound. I remember it was excruciating pain. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought that they would see me as stupid for spilling the water and dumber for crying. I have a permanent scar on my arm from that incident as well as a scar on my soul. I never learned it was ok to feel pain and it was ok to express it. My pain was never validated. I never learned when it's appropriate or how it's appropriate to express when something hurts. In stead I learned to take it, accept it,raise my pain thresh hold. My pain was invalid. Her goal was to make me invalid. 

I am not invalid today. I am not  invisible. If something hurts I have learned by testing the waters ... That it's ok tell someone. Its small things that I can express safely.  Deeper feelings of hurt or disappointment are more difficult to share and often don't get shared ( I'm working on this with some success).  I have limited experience in expressing my pains, my sorrows in a safe environment. It's going to take time and trust.  I have learned to be able to say " this hurts my feelings". What a wonderful thing to be able to say " I'm hurt " and feel that and know that someone has heard you. 

 A child deserves the right to express their emotions. Say what they feel. Be validated as a feeling expressive individual. If one gets to do that as a child ... They don't grow up looking for validation as an adult. They feel because they do. They are because they are. Today I know that I feel because I do and  I am because i am.  One can heal, one can become valid after being taught that they are invalid. One can learn to breath in a moment and breath it out and not feel like they will break or shatter into pieces of broken glass. Is it easy? No. But I am learning that the same strength it took to endure the pain of my childhood... Is the same strength it takes to release the pain now... To get back that which was stolen from me. 

I am because I am..... You are because you are
God bless those who can relate .... Know that we are not alone.