IN-TO-ME-TO-SEE

True intimacy begins with the use of “I “statements:

I feel…

I need…

I am…

I want…

I like…

I don’t like…

I can’t stand…

I love…

But that’s just one part of true intimacy…

The other part is what follows the “I “statement…

........raw honesty

The last part is how it’s received by the one who its shared with…

.........listening without judgment in a safe comforting and loving space

True intimacy is normally difficult…

........it is even harder for survivors

Intimacy is just that …sharing to let someone IN-TO-ME-TO-SEE

What has helped you to let someone in to see you?

Please tell my mommy and daddy...

I am spreading the message that child abuse is not right

I am standing with others who are standing to fight

No more hitting, beating, yelling or screams

Children need love, protection, nurturing and dreams

I pray that my story touches more than one

I will keep on sharing it because I’m not done

Expressing myself and saying the truth

No more hiding in shame about my youth

I was hit and hurt and degraded and shamed

Those who do this to children deserve all the blame

Time is my friend because going forward I’ll do

Anything and everything to make it clear to you

Don’t hit your children and be careful of what you say

The damage once done you can’t take away

The pain, shame and changes to their soul

When you hit, yell and beat a child… What is your goal?

Think for a moment what are you trying to do?

Make a child be quiet because they are bothering you?

Children deserve your patience, love and your praise

I was a child once I know of what I say

Don’t take away a child’s soul it’s the only one they have

Don’t beat who they are out of them just to make yourself glad

I ask you to hear me and hear my pain

I am crying out to you to stop and stop again

Saying you are doing “the best you can” as you rape a child’s soul

You are no longer ignorant now because you have been told

Of the hurt and pain you can cause as a result of actions that you do

Stop! Please hear me now make changes in your life and you

Time is what you have so think of that today

Don’t hit or scream or beat think of another way

Your child deserves the best they are a gift you see

Treat them as if they are glass as they break so easily

Wish someone had explained this to my mother when I was just a child

Perhaps she would have listened and taken a lifetime vow

To not hurt me.... my soul..... and I

Not kill the little girl that lived alone inside

Please hear my story

I tell it regardless of my pride

I am standing with others who now stand tall by my side

We are a band of many who are telling our story true

Praying you will hear us and make a difference in you

Nightmare twin

THIS POST MAY HAVE TRIGGERS-PLEASE BE SAFE. MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE BEFORE YOU READ THIS. YOUR SAFETY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

Haunted...that's the word that best describes something I know...something I remember...something I still feel...the fear was so real it had a taste, it had physical components, it had movement, it was like a person, someone I would later learn that I would know forever.

It has no name...but it has sounds...it has no face but it has feelings, it has movement, it has life...it can't breathe, it shakes with fear...it waits...it is fear personified...it is impending doom. It is a nightly visitor now...it is not my friend, though it is as close to me as a best friend should be. It is not kind or sweet or caring. It is not fluffy or cute or soft or warm. Its signature is simple–it qualifies as one's total lifetime experience of fear in a one-shot dose.

A Shot...shoot...something I still remember, "click"...something I still hear...fear climbing up my back...grasping my heart...stopping for a minute to grab my throat, seizing my breathing. My hands are tied. My voice is in the off position. My eyes are trained on what I see in front of me...my mind thinks quickly about what will happen...too much, can't figure it out...quickly I figure my sibling will be safe...I will be no more but at least he won't have this memory...She takes me down memory lane... not mine but hers...she is such a sharing individual...she shares all of her hate, pain and anger on me, towards me. She gives it freely...no one could say she was stingy. She fills my small cup of self with all her dismal, dark, negative thoughts, observations and truths. I am lost in them....then in an instant...by the pull of the trigger...."Click"...she has changed my world forever...she birthed someone who would be with me forever, she birthed someone that would grow with me, Someone who sleeps sometimes but can be so awake, vivid and real at others. She gave life to fear in sleep—Nightmares...haunting.

The child she birthed...it only has one parent...my mother birthed it and it lives with me as if it is my twin. I close my eyes to sleep, to dream...to find peace and she is there waiting to share what she alone knows...the amazement for me is the realness, the details, the taste of fear, the feelings in my legs and arms...the "Click"...it is all recorded and plays like a feature film starring me. She is an amazing individual who holds vivid pictorials with sound, lights, action and real terrorizing emotion. What I have learned is that the memories of Nightmare child have always been there...but she was given full life potential that night. She may have only developed into a possibility or an occasional visitor prior to that night...the night that life was breathed into her soul....and she continues to fight to survive, though I fight often to silence her...

Haunting...that's her name...she is my Nightmares...she is my pain...she is my fear...she is me not safe, she is me exposed, she is me screaming inside, she is me bleeding, she is me bruised, she is me scared, she is me being beaten, she is me being shamed, she is me hurt, she is me battered, she is me alone. She is me...that's my point...the nightmares are me...they are me personified. They are me...and me is her...I struggle to get rid of her...but that's the point...she is me...and I am her...I hope to find a way we can co-exist in a world where my sleep and dreams are no longer dues that I pay to be awake in a world that I struggle so hard to be me (without disassociating) in.

May God Bless all those who experience Nightmares due to being abused as children...the children in us deserve safety...the adult in us deserves a good night's sleep...

"The Devil Wears Prada".... Yep they always do

I am spending my Sunday catching up on my blogging: reading and posting J. I have everything I need at my fingertips, coffee, comfy chair, cell phone and laptop and a movie running in the background for company … “The Devil Wears Prada”.. this movie quickly moved to the forefront.

It’s an outstanding movie featuring one of my favorite actresses Meryl Streep

Summary of movie: “In New York, the simple and naive just-graduated in journalism Andrea Sachs is hired to work as the second assistant of the powerful and sophisticated Miranda Priestly, the ruthless and merciless executive of the Runway fashion magazine. Andrea dreams to become a journalist and faces the opportunity as a temporary professional challenge. The first assistant Emily advises Andrea about the behavior and preferences of their cruel boss, and the stylist Nigel helps Andrea to dress more adequately for the environment. Andrea changes her attitude and behavior, affecting her private life and the relationship with her boyfriend Nate, her family and friends all to match the needs of Miranda. In the end, Andrea learns that life is made of choices.” As outlined on IMBD.com

For me “Prada”- in just a label for temptation- it looks good, it’s expensive, it draws attention, it is lavish, it glitters, its gold. It’s something you think you want.

Who’s wearing it? The Devil…someone dangling what you think you desire in front of you.

Now, what must you do to get to have what the Devil is offering or has?

Yep that’s the question. Are you ready for the answer?

It could mean giving up your soul….

That’s what happened. As a child it was required of me to go against who I was to get what I needed. I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and said “You will alter your attitude and behavior just to get x, y or z” No it was much more subtle. It was found in statements, actions, requests, manipulations and punishments. My being, desired so many different things, that I did what I felt I had to get what I thought I needed. This behavior continued into adult hood…

It is evident in so many parts of my life. From the decision to marry, to the way I’ve handled my professional life. Fast forward: I am an adult: Single mom. Must do and perform all the functions of mothering, raising a family, and functioning in society.

In the movie there are several examples of the main character Andrea being requested to do things that goes against what she feels is right. The bar was low at first and each time she completes another task for her boss the bar is raised. She completes the next task and the bar is raised again. All the while Andrea is changing to become someone that she is not. All to become and have things that she feels are necessary or that she thinks she desires. She loses her boyfriend and her friends along this process.

I’ve been there done that. Traded some very important things for what I believed was a need to stay employed: Long hours, going against the grain of my being, trading my values for the needs of the business. All the while changing and moving farther away from my soul.

I have made a conscious decision and effort to no longer get lulled to sleep by temptation of things that aren’t true for me. I am currently evaluating what I want and what speaks to my soul and how can I obtain that and what price, if any, I’m willing to pay. I’ve lost some very important things over the past year.

Lesson learned: Don’t change for anyone. We all have to do things on a daily basis that we don’t like. But when the changes are feeling like sacrifices. Relook at what you are doing. See if there is a better way or different way to accomplish while not losing your soul to the Devil. Temptation is the devils most viable tool. It can be emotional trade off, physical, or monetary that is the payment.

As a child my mother was representative of “The Devil”. As a child, one doesn’t know what they desire, everything is what you want and you will do everything to get it… but remember... you are a student of life at that point.  As an adult “success as seen by someone else” was representative of my temptation.  The difference in me now vs. me as a child, is I can choose. Change direction, if that’s necessary. Stop moving in the wrong direction. I am doing that these days. I put an end to being directed by the wrong things and have started getting back to basics. Much like the character in the movie, I suddenly woke up and did inventory of my life. I realized that I had changed to equate someone else’s expectations for my life and not my own. No more. “I am in control of my life. The Devil or anyone else can be wearing whatever they want. If it doesn’t fit me and MY picture of my life… then guess what? It doesn’t come into my life.”

Sounds wonderfully in control, right? Truth is, it’s a work in progress. Changing direction in one’s life can be traumatic. I am experiencing the trauma of this now. You have to learn to trust your inner voice, your feelings, your thoughts… You have to learn what a true feeling is for yourself and confirm that it is yours and not someone else’s. You have to learn what your truth feels like…and not allow outside influences to change your truth.

I’m learning what my truth feels like… I am a work in progress.

Thanks to the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”… I saw that my experience in not uncommon.

Can you relate to this?

Something written by my daughter....

I am a single mother  (divorced)... a divorce is a difficult thing to go thru for all involved. Especially the children...My children are now young adults...

My daughter wrote this the other day in response to a conversation her and I had regarding the divorce ...


"You carry alot of weight from the past,
like how all the stuff had happen back then with my dad,
and how I grew up hating him
but I still loved what I had a loving mother by my side
I felt like that was all I need to build my pride,
but until you look into my eyes you will never see the lie,
that I will probably spend my whole life looking for a father figure to be by my side..."

Written by A for B


A divorce can leave life long effects...

I feel because I do.... I am because I am

Please note there may be triggers in this post... Please make sure you are safe before continuing.  Your safety is the most important thing. 


"Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" 
or 
"every time you move or put your hand in the way.... You get 5 more"


"Stop crying or I'll give u something to cry about"- unfortunately this is a popular phrase used by many parents. Emotional pain, Physical hurt, disappointment, and fear just to name a few feelings that can produce crying. These are just some of the feelings one feels when they are being taken apart by someone they trust. She was my mother... She gave birth to me.

 I was already crying as the statement shows. I was already experiencing something that was producing sorrow enough to produce tears but I was being told to stop feeling. I was told that my pain, hurt, sorrow, fear must be put away. Moved to somewhere else and if I didn't get rid of it and quick... I was going to be hurt more as outlined by her comment "every time you move or put your hand in the way.... You get 5 more".....Do you know how difficult it is to not feel pain? She would hit with all her might. Drawing blood. Leaving marks on the walls, furniture and floors when she missed her mark. Her mark being me........I eventually  found the strength to not cry, make a sound or move from the pain....... it took years.   I would disassociate - leave the scene. Disappear, die.   It ultimately became my victory that I wouldn't cry in front of her. Since when does holding in your emotions become a victory? 

As I grew up I learned to push my pain down inside, stuff it away, don't feel it. I then didn't know when it was appropriate to feel pain and express it. I experienced  a second degree burn from scalding water that I accidentally spilled on my arm as a teenager. It happened as I was removing a cup of boiling water from the microwave. I was in a room filled with adults, my uncle, mother, father and other guests. I never made a sound. I remember it was excruciating pain. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought that they would see me as stupid for spilling the water and dumber for crying. I have a permanent scar on my arm from that incident as well as a scar on my soul. I never learned it was ok to feel pain and it was ok to express it. My pain was never validated. I never learned when it's appropriate or how it's appropriate to express when something hurts. In stead I learned to take it, accept it,raise my pain thresh hold. My pain was invalid. Her goal was to make me invalid. 

I am not invalid today. I am not  invisible. If something hurts I have learned by testing the waters ... That it's ok tell someone. Its small things that I can express safely.  Deeper feelings of hurt or disappointment are more difficult to share and often don't get shared ( I'm working on this with some success).  I have limited experience in expressing my pains, my sorrows in a safe environment. It's going to take time and trust.  I have learned to be able to say " this hurts my feelings". What a wonderful thing to be able to say " I'm hurt " and feel that and know that someone has heard you. 

 A child deserves the right to express their emotions. Say what they feel. Be validated as a feeling expressive individual. If one gets to do that as a child ... They don't grow up looking for validation as an adult. They feel because they do. They are because they are. Today I know that I feel because I do and  I am because i am.  One can heal, one can become valid after being taught that they are invalid. One can learn to breath in a moment and breath it out and not feel like they will break or shatter into pieces of broken glass. Is it easy? No. But I am learning that the same strength it took to endure the pain of my childhood... Is the same strength it takes to release the pain now... To get back that which was stolen from me. 

I am because I am..... You are because you are
God bless those who can relate .... Know that we are not alone.