A Red Balloon....

My mother was just like a balloon that was filled with hot air.... And would pop when it had too much air or someone poked it with a pen...though she wasn't filled with hot air..... She was filled with hate, confusion, pain, negativity.... She would get really full... Just like a balloon. Big and round.... Almost pretty but scary at the same time.... And then......

"POP"

She'd explode and release all that was in her.... All that was filling her up.... It would come out in a whooshing sound..... As she screamed at me, hit me manipulated me, hurt me...

Sometimes the balloon is popped and there are scrapes left.... Slivers of the previous balloon is all that remains.... Sometimes those words could describe my mother as she sat after one of her berating and degrading methodically torturous "discipline" sessions. One could see that all that was left was slivers of a broken person.

If a balloon just has someone let the air out.... Then what's left is a balloon that can be filled up once again... That's how my mom was most of the time after her explosions.... Just waiting to fill herself up with more of her negativity so she could release it all onto my young being....

You can fill balloons with different things and make them big and pretty.... Water, helium, air.....

My mother was to me a big red balloon... What a difference my life would have been had she been filled with love....

I want to be known....

>
> I want to be known... Not famous... But known... Understood, accepted, welcomed, appreciated for who I am and all that I am.
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> I want it to be known that my favorite color is peach and the reason why it's my favorite color. My father had a friend who lived in Maryland. As a child I remember driving to their house for a visit. They were an older couple and seemed to have money. They had just had their living room painted and redecorated and the color of the walls was peach with the accent color of cream. I remember thinking as I looked at the walls in awe.... That my new favorite color was going to be peach..... That visit and change in color appreciation was over 30 years ago. My first favorite color was yellow.
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> I want it to be known that I had several toys that I remember having as a child... "Baby-Thata-Way"- she ran on batteries and crawled across the floor. "Baby Alive"- she could be feed special food and water in a bottle. She ran on batteries and also peed and pooped in her diaper. " I had an "Inch worm"- a green worm shaped ride with wheels that I rode outside during the summer. These items are important as I havent always been able to remember that they existed as a part of my childhood.
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> I want it to be known that my favorite meal is a steak, ceasar salad, rolls with butter and a baked potato with sour cream- no butter. My favorite beverage is coffee with cream and sugar.... One cup in the morning- for me ... Coffee is to me what gas is to an automobile.. :)
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> I want it to be known that I want to be explored and asked about my life and where I've been and what I've lived through.... I want someone to ask about my day and really listen to the answer.... Not just hearing me with their ears... But listening with their heart.... I want to be known
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> B

Diary entry from 11/19/98

Written 11/19/98 at 11pm

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life… Today marks the ending of my marriage and the beginning of a new life with me, myself  and I and also my three children. Today is just the legal beginning. Soon, once I have the key to my new place the real start of freedom will begin.

There is so much I want to do, see, be, experience that I find it all both frightening and exciting. So much just recently has changed for me I seem to possess a truth that I never really knew I had in me. Like Mariah Carey song says “ If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want you’re gonna make it happen … make it happen… and if you get down on your knees at night and pray to the Lord. He’s gonna make it happen, make it happen”

Well there is a lot to be said about blind faith. Thank you Jesus for faith period… cause I know I couldn’t have done any of this without faith.

Fate? Do I believe in fate? I’m not sure. I think I believe that if one wants something bad enough you can get anything you want. My dilemma seems to be what I want and what God may want for me. I pray that they are the same. I know that God loves me just as I am. I also know that he wants me to be happy. I tend to question if what I want God feels is best or If I get what I want will I still be unsatisfied. You know the greatest thing I can say is that over the past few weeks I truly feel amazingly blessed. It seems everything I have touched has turned out how I hoped or knew it would.

I feel a sense of power within myself that I think I always knew was there but didn’t trust it. Now, I’m learning to trust it more and more every day. I’m also starting to pay more attention to who I am but more importantly who I want to become. You know its ok to take two steps backward so you can take two steps forward.

About my kids… my prayer is simple.. “Put your hands on my children Lord – take care of my children. Thank you for giving them to me!”

My prayer for today is simple “Thank you Jesus! Thank you for peace, joy and love! Thank you Jesus for all that you have done … of all these I think you for faith!”

I love you

I wrote the above entry years ago... I found it the other day and thought to share it.... I wanted to show that we all need to revisit and reflect. I am reflecting these days as I have found myself in a place I couldnt have known that I would be be today: I am unemployed, having the greatest of difficulty finding a job, afraid for my future and that of my children, my family structure is not what I once thought it would be at this space and time. I have fallen in my life and and I am trying to get back up. I posted the above journal entry because I had forgotten that I could feel what was written down that day. I felt so light and spiritual and accepted and that life was gonna be ok.... I am in search of that feeling now... If I felt it once... I have to believe it will come back one day again....

Reflection has let me know that I was once there.... in a space and time where I was confident that I was powerful within myself.... I am praying I will get there again... Please Jesus... make it soon.

IN-TO-ME-TO-SEE

True intimacy begins with the use of “I “statements:

I feel…

I need…

I am…

I want…

I like…

I don’t like…

I can’t stand…

I love…

But that’s just one part of true intimacy…

The other part is what follows the “I “statement…

........raw honesty

The last part is how it’s received by the one who its shared with…

.........listening without judgment in a safe comforting and loving space

True intimacy is normally difficult…

........it is even harder for survivors

Intimacy is just that …sharing to let someone IN-TO-ME-TO-SEE

What has helped you to let someone in to see you?

YELLING!!! ..... I dislike it!

YELLING!  I don’t like yelling: one person yelling or screaming at another.  I don’t like to hear it, be around it and I definitely make it a point not to do it. It’s the escalating of someone’s voice. It is the anger that is transmitted from their mouth to my ears. It is the force in which they speak. It is the demands and cruel words and tones that follow. I can’t stand it! There is a sense of horror that I immediately feel when I am exposed to it. I feel unsettled when I’m around it even if it has nothing to do with me.  For a moment while in that environment I am unnerved and frightened.

Yelling produces several reactions for me… I find myself almost waiting till it’s my turn to be yelled at. I start to feel responsible even when I have nothing to do with it. I immediately wish and start to look for ways that I can fix the situation.

Where did that come from? Childhood patterns are hard to change. As a child, yelling was an alarm. It ment: stand up, pay attention, try to fix whatever is wrong, stay low, listen, think, what can you do to make it better, what can you do to not get into trouble. Hearing yelling would make my mind immediately go into over drive, hyper thinking, reacting, problem solving even when it wasn’t my problem. As an adult I still have these reactions.

I have learned though that someone yelling is really on the person doing the yelling. It is about them, and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. They are choosing to yell. They are choosing that as their mode of communication. There are other ways to communicate, but they have chosen that, and I don’t have to react. It’s not my job to save, fix, make better or react. It’s not my job nor my responsibility. Yelling is just another way for people to communicate. I for one don’t agree that it’s the best way, but it is one way. There obviously are others.

People are wonderfully expressive creatures who have the ability to choose. I for one make it my goal to choose to not yell. Now I’m not saying I have not yelled. Oh yes I have yelled and or raised my voice. However, I can honestly say that each time that has happened It didn’t help me obtain the results that I wanted. In fact, in the long run, it made things worse. Yelling is a form of being out of control. The person doing the yelling is out of control, which then flips a switch in me that produces feelings of being out of control and me trying to fix the situation. One situation fuels the next.

As a young child, once the yelling started, the point, (if there was one) was lost. I shut down and immediately became like a robot. Mentally going thru my data base of what to do and doing all the things I thought I needed to do to produce one end result: Keeping me out of harm’s way. There were those times that I would disassociate. They were probably worse because I was so removed from the moment I could not engage enough to react quickly enough to manage the situation.  End results would be disastrous.  I was a small young child trying to manage an adult who was yelling.  Something is wrong with that picture.

As an adult I now know and understand that communication is a choice. How you communicate is also a choice. Because of my upbringing, I have become increasingly aware of the need to be respectful of others when I speak. Communication- joins me and you together for a moment in time. I have learned that if you wish to be heard, speak so that someone WANTS to listen. Don’t speak because they HAVE to listen.  When I speak, I understand that that moment in time, once spoken, can’t be erased. I try to be aware of content, expression and tone. Once spoken, I can’t take it back. (That last sentence you read is now in our past and it’s too late to take it back).  I try to speak in a respectful voice. Not just for the other person but more so for me. I am a firm believer that what you send out from yourself… will come back to you.  (Wish someone had explained all this to my mother)

I wish my children to not fear me when I speak…. I want them to not just hear me when I speak … I want my children to listen … I want my children to be able to listen… not just with their ears but ….. with their soul. I want my children to also know how to communicate and for that to happen I understand I have to be an example.

My childhood was painful but I am turning that around and using that pain to make a difference in how I parent my own children.

So for me and my house… we will not be yelling.

Please tell my mommy and daddy...

I am spreading the message that child abuse is not right

I am standing with others who are standing to fight

No more hitting, beating, yelling or screams

Children need love, protection, nurturing and dreams

I pray that my story touches more than one

I will keep on sharing it because I’m not done

Expressing myself and saying the truth

No more hiding in shame about my youth

I was hit and hurt and degraded and shamed

Those who do this to children deserve all the blame

Time is my friend because going forward I’ll do

Anything and everything to make it clear to you

Don’t hit your children and be careful of what you say

The damage once done you can’t take away

The pain, shame and changes to their soul

When you hit, yell and beat a child… What is your goal?

Think for a moment what are you trying to do?

Make a child be quiet because they are bothering you?

Children deserve your patience, love and your praise

I was a child once I know of what I say

Don’t take away a child’s soul it’s the only one they have

Don’t beat who they are out of them just to make yourself glad

I ask you to hear me and hear my pain

I am crying out to you to stop and stop again

Saying you are doing “the best you can” as you rape a child’s soul

You are no longer ignorant now because you have been told

Of the hurt and pain you can cause as a result of actions that you do

Stop! Please hear me now make changes in your life and you

Time is what you have so think of that today

Don’t hit or scream or beat think of another way

Your child deserves the best they are a gift you see

Treat them as if they are glass as they break so easily

Wish someone had explained this to my mother when I was just a child

Perhaps she would have listened and taken a lifetime vow

To not hurt me.... my soul..... and I

Not kill the little girl that lived alone inside

Please hear my story

I tell it regardless of my pride

I am standing with others who now stand tall by my side

We are a band of many who are telling our story true

Praying you will hear us and make a difference in you

#Prayer4today

New challenge.... whats your #prayer4today? Doesnt need to be formal. Doesnt need to be long. Doesnt need to be loud. Doesnt need to make sense to anyone else...

It can be one word, two words, three or more
It can be said on bended knee or while standing straight on the floor
It can be said loud as you can or spoken softly from your soul
It is your special prayer and it just needs to come from your core....