Monday, March 5, 2012

A Red Balloon....

My mother was just like a balloon that was filled with hot air.... And would pop when it had too much air or someone poked it with a pen...though she wasn't filled with hot air..... She was filled with hate, confusion, pain, negativity.... She would get really full... Just like a balloon. Big and round.... Almost pretty but scary at the same time.... And then......

"POP"

She'd explode and release all that was in her.... All that was filling her up.... It would come out in a whooshing sound..... As she screamed at me, hit me manipulated me, hurt me...

Sometimes the balloon is popped and there are scrapes left.... Slivers of the previous balloon is all that remains.... Sometimes those words could describe my mother as she sat after one of her berating and degrading methodically torturous "discipline" sessions. One could see that all that was left was slivers of a broken person.

If a balloon just has someone let the air out.... Then what's left is a balloon that can be filled up once again... That's how my mom was most of the time after her explosions.... Just waiting to fill herself up with more of her negativity so she could release it all onto my young being....

You can fill balloons with different things and make them big and pretty.... Water, helium, air.....

My mother was to me a big red balloon... What a difference my life would have been had she been filled with love....

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I want to be known....

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> I want to be known... Not famous... But known... Understood, accepted, welcomed, appreciated for who I am and all that I am.
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> I want it to be known that my favorite color is peach and the reason why it's my favorite color. My father had a friend who lived in Maryland. As a child I remember driving to their house for a visit. They were an older couple and seemed to have money. They had just had their living room painted and redecorated and the color of the walls was peach with the accent color of cream. I remember thinking as I looked at the walls in awe.... That my new favorite color was going to be peach..... That visit and change in color appreciation was over 30 years ago. My first favorite color was yellow.
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> I want it to be known that I had several toys that I remember having as a child... "Baby-Thata-Way"- she ran on batteries and crawled across the floor. "Baby Alive"- she could be feed special food and water in a bottle. She ran on batteries and also peed and pooped in her diaper. " I had an "Inch worm"- a green worm shaped ride with wheels that I rode outside during the summer. These items are important as I havent always been able to remember that they existed as a part of my childhood.
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> I want it to be known that my favorite meal is a steak, ceasar salad, rolls with butter and a baked potato with sour cream- no butter. My favorite beverage is coffee with cream and sugar.... One cup in the morning- for me ... Coffee is to me what gas is to an automobile.. :)
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> I want it to be known that I want to be explored and asked about my life and where I've been and what I've lived through.... I want someone to ask about my day and really listen to the answer.... Not just hearing me with their ears... But listening with their heart.... I want to be known
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